Jessica came up again right before the end of the tour and stayed through the last night back home in Orlando. Things were strained. I canít speak for her, but I know that I was still feeling bad about not being in love with her, and Iíd spent a lot of time thinking. I wasnít sure if I ever would be. When we had talked I told her maybe tomorrow, maybe next month. Thatís still true, but Iím wondering if itís not gonna happen. That spark that changes things from caring to head over heals in love. I donít know how long it takes to fall in love. It hasnít ever taken me this long. I still miss her, want to see her, and want to be with her. I think she deserves more than some guy who doesnít love her that way. I deserve more too. Iím going to give it three weeks once I get home again. Thatís enough time for use to settle back in and see whatís gonna happen.
Night one home went great. We had a humongous party after the concert. Everyone was there. It was amazing. All five of us got totally shit faced and stoned beyond belief. Actually most people got drunk and stoned. Jessica was very cool. She was laughing and having a great time. Tracie and Scott looked like they were having fun. My little world was happy.
Until about midnight the next night. I rolled over and answered the phone, "Better be good."
"Scott and I broke up."
"Iíll be right there." I kissed Jessica, "Tracie and Scott broke up. I donít know when Iíll be back."
Fifteen minutes later I was at her door. She opened it and let me in, "I brought gifts for numbing." I held out the bottle of Tequila.
"If you really loved me youíd get me stoned." She had been crying. I hate that.
I reached into my back pocket, "Ta da! I come prepared." She hung her head and started crying. I put our supplies down and held her, "Aw, Trace. Iím so sorry. Who broke up?"
"I did." I sat down on the couch and let her cry it out. At least she was the dumpee. Somehow I expected no less. Still hurts though. She stopped crying and sat back. "Iím sorry to haul you out on your second night at home."
I fired up the joint, "Stop that. You better know better. Tell me what happened."
"We went out for dinner. This was an anniversary. I sat there throughout dinner thinking this was wrong. Not wrong, just not right. I was bored. Bored, bored, bored. Things started out good, conversation, fun, sex. It was all good. Then it got so so boring. Nice and boring. We always did the same things. I think I figured that I had you and the guys for the fun and excitement. Then when you all were gone I realized how much I was missing with him. I tried to adjust my expectations. You canít have everything. Then what you all said at the party. I thought about that and realized that heís not the right one. No sense in keeping it going." She started crying again. "It completely hit him from left field. I mean, we havenít been fighting and things have been just like normal. No problems. Thatís the thing though, too normal all the time. I fucking hate hurting someone." Big sniff here. "He didnít do anything wrong, and I hurt him. I told him it was about me. Everyone knows thatís bullshit. I couldnít tell him he was boring. Maybe to someone else heís not. I expect too much. Iím too used to bigger than life sorts of people. I hate it hate it hate it."
"Trace, you didnít mean to hurt him. You did what you needed to be happy and for him to be happy."
"But I wasnít unhappy. I just wasnít overjoyed. Who the hell deserves to be overjoyed?"
"You do." That made her cry more.
We got through the crying part and made it to the laughing hysterically part. I put in "Better Off Dead". That always works. "Itís got raisins in it." And the part about boiling the bacon killed us both. Made us hungry.
"Look at it this way you can now go find you some not nice sex." I was all about looking for the positives. Ok, I was trashed and humoring myself.
"Hell yes. Not nice sex. It wasnít bad sex. It was just plain sex. Not like I need to swing from the ceiling fan to get off, but a little something every now and then. Technique wise he was a B-."
"Really now? Can I get some breakdown on this grading system?" This was where having a best girl friend was cool.
"Size was a C. Stamina was a B. Recovery a B. Oral sex a C. Kissing a B."
I rolled my eyes, "I hear you on the oral sex."
That perked her up, "Really."
"Jessica is about a D- there. She canít blow out a candle if you get my drift."
"Aww, Kevlyn, Iím sorry."
"It sucks." I started laughing, "I guess it doesnít suck. Iím giving it three more weeks." I was still there.
"Whoa, what the hell happened?"
"Nothing. I donít think itís fair to keep stringing us both along. Iím not in love with her, but itís comfortable. We both should have more. I donít know that Iíll ever be in love with her. Something is telling me I wonít be."
"We can be alone together."
"Absolutely." I hugged her then sat back, "So what do I give him if I run into him?"
"Zero through ten, what do I give him sympathy wise. Ten is I need to kiss his ass because you were a complete bitch and Iím embarrassed for you, zero is heís a heinous asshole not fit to lick dog shit off your shoes."
That got her laughing, "Seven, give him a seven. Anyone ever gotten a ten?"
"One of AJís exís busting him getting a blow job in her car. She got a ten."
I was fine. I hate break ups. Having Kevin there made it easier. I needed a hug and some distraction. I was sad for him with the whole Jessica thing. I donít mean the blow job part, well, not totally. I still donít completely trust her, but thatís not my call. I am proud of him for not wanting to string her along. I think itís entirely possible to go on forever with someone you love in a friendship way, and ignore the fact that youíre missing that passion. Kevin is such a passionate man. He would get so unhappy without that, or heíd lose it. I would hate that, and Iíd hate that for him.
The next week was calm. I went to work at the club and just practiced laying back. Part of me liked not having the responsibility of thinking about a "boyfriend". Things slid right back into normal with the guys home. AJ was there everyday. I liked having him around. We talked some about Kevin. He liked Jessica alright, but didnít think she was right for him. He didnít want to see him hurt though. We talked some about Scott. AJ had run into him and he had asked about me.
Kevin was spending a lot of time with Jessica. He was trying to make it work. I really respect that. If he wasnít already my best friend Iíd want him for one. We talked everyday. She didnít always come up, but he said things were feeling a little worse. He was worried that it was him distancing himself and wondered if he hadnít already made the decision. I understood perfectly. This is the same thing I did with Scott. Nothing really wrong, just not everything you ever dreamed of. He had it worse because she was in love with him. Thank God, Scott had never went there. I donít know if he felt it or not. I prefer not to think about it.
Lee and I went out on Friday night. Itís good to have a girls night. We sat and ranked people as they came in the door. Men and women. Women got "weíre hotter", "look at those shoes", "beauty products have come such a long way", and "fashion faux pas". Yes, we had the superior bitch thing going on. Men got ranked for looks, body, dance ability, and anything else we could pick apart. We watched some get shot down, and watched others be successful. Eventually we found two that we thought were worthy of us. It was hard to pass this test. We wanted a pair of friends to play with us. They both had to be cute. We were out for fun, nothing more. Style was way more important than substance. Once we lured our prey to the table we commenced flirting. One of them asked what we were doing out. Lee responded that we were bored, wanted to play with some men, and maybe get laid in the process. They were speechless. We liked that.
The next night was a party at Kevinís house.
Woo fucking hoo! Party at my house. At least Iíll be home when I pass out. Which I plan on doing. Early and often.
Everyone was in a great mood. Tracie knew something was up and kept looking at me. I waved her off. I wasnít ready to talk about this. She was good for that. Sheíd let me have some space, but would come after me later if I didnít talk. There have been times when weíve gone to the other knowing full well we were likely to get our heads bit off. Sometimes that happened. We were solid enough to hold up against that. I was attempting to keep her away until I could talk about this, then Iíd get totaled.
About eleven I hauled the guys, Tracie, and Lee upstairs. Supposedly for a "private" party. "I need to tell you guys something. I asked Jessica to marry me last night."
Let me know what you think!! Lisa