Jessica and I had our first fight on Sunday. First married fight. She was pissed that Nick, Tracie, and I had stayed up all night. I wasnít having any of that. I nicely, but firmly informed her that if one of my friends needed me I would still be there for them. She said something about my priorities. That pissed me off, "My priorities are fine. You were asleep, I checked in on you a few times. I stayed up with my friends one night. No one lost anything."
She shouldnít have gone here, "What happens when the baby comes, are you still going to do this?"
I got very calm and spoke quietly, "I will always be there for my child. There is no discussion on that. But that does not mean that I neglect my wants and needs. I may be a father, but Iím still a man, and a friend. If everything is fine with my child I can be with my friends. My child will always come first, and every one of my friends understands that. Too bad that you donít."
I spent the night at AJís. I called and let Jessica know. I didnít go to Tracieís because I knew sheíd send me home to work it out. I didnít want to go home.
I love Monday!! Oops, forgot. I donít lie. I hate Monday. Thatís a lie too. Really the whole concept of weekdays and weekends are irrelevant in this business. Itís not like we work Monday through Friday then have the weekend off. I hated this day, when I have to go back to work after a few days off. It just happens to be a Monday. Could have just as easily been Thursday. Me and the guys were getting together to start writing some songs for the new album. We had talked shit to death and it was time to do something. We had rented some studio time and were there all day. Writing with all of us is turning out to be a little bumpy. No surprise there. We all have pretty strong opinions and have to hash shit out. Loudly. Unfortunately I tend to be the loudest and most prone to blowing up, with Nick a very close second. Iím sure the fight with my wife wasnít making my mood any better.
Tracie showed up and brought us all lunch. Brought each of us our favorite foods. What a girl. She dropped it off, kissed us all, told us not to kill each other, and left. I went home pretty late. Jessica was already asleep when I crawled into bed. I was gone before she woke up. I know, shitty, but I wasnít in the mood to deal with it right now.
We were making some good progress when my cell phone rang. My home number. Jessica. Damn it, I am not in the mood for this. I didnít answer, let it roll over to voice mail. Five seconds later it was ringing again. Fine! "Kevin, itís Michelle, Jessicaís old roommate. You need to come home."
"Whatís wrong?" I knew something was up.
"Jessica is having a miscarriage."
Just as simple as that. I felt like I was in one of those movies when the actor zooms forward and the scenery sucks backward. It was the second time in the last month that I heard a dream dying. I hung up and headed for the door.
AJ yelled after me, "Whatís wrong?"
"Jessica is losing the baby."
I donít remember the drive home. I ran into the house past Michelle and up the stairs to our bedroom. Jessica was curled up in a ball on her side. She was quiet, but I could see the tearstains on her face. I sat down on the bed and laid my hand on her arm, "Jess?"
She sat up and wrapped her arms around me, "Iím sorry, Kevin. I didnít mean for this to happen. Iím sorry, donít hate me."
"Jessica, I donít hate you. What happened?"
"I started bleeding this afternoon. I called the doctor and he said that some spotting was not too abnormal, and to get off my feet. I called Michelle to come over and I went to bed. The bleeding got worse. I called the doctor back and he said there wasnít anything to be done. This early in the pregnancy miscarriage isnít that unusual and I should just stay in bed."
I couldnít stop the tears. Our baby was gone. "Iím sorry, Jess." We held onto each other and cried. I told her it would be ok. That she would be fine. I apologized some more. We cried some more. She fell asleep in my arms. I laid her down, tucked her in and went downstairs.
"She asleep?" Michelle asked.
"Yeah, thanks for being here. I wish she would have called sooner."
"I think she wanted it to be nothing. So she didnít." Michelle picked up her purse, "Iím going home now. Iíll call in the morning and see how sheís doing."
I showed her out then went back to the living room. I sank into the chair I had dreamed of rocking my child in and cried. Cried for the child weíd lost, and cried for the mess I had made of my life.
An hour later I went up and checked on Jessica. She was awake and I helped her to the bathroom. God, could this get any worse? She was crying again when she came out, the bleeding. Knowing that was our child. I held her again and she cried herself to sleep.
I went back downstairs and sat staring into space. I was snapped out of it when there was a knock at the door. I opened it to find Tracie, "Tell me what you need me to do. If this is something you two need to do alone, tell me to leave."
I was so happy to see her. I grabbed her hand and pulled her inside and hugged her. Maybe I let her hug me, "I need a friend right now. I need you."
I had gone back and forth with myself since AJ called and told me what was going on. I knew this was something that he and Jessica were alone in, but then I knew all the other stuff that he would be doing. I paced, and argued with myself for a couple of hours before deciding to go over to their house. I thought about calling, then realized that I needed to physically see him to make sure he was alright.
Now he was bawling his eyes out in my arms. Again. He went up and checked on Jessica then we settled on the couch. Kevin sat with his hands in his hair, "I feel like a complete asshole." He stopped.
I picked up, "Because part of you is thinking "if Iíd only waited a few weeks at least I wouldnít be married to someone Iím not in love with." Donít do it, Kevlyn. You did what you thought was right, there is no way you could have known or stopped this from happening. Iíd think you were crazy if you werenít thinking that."
"Iím glad you can read my mind."
"Why do you think Iím here?" I put an arm around him and kissed his cheek. "I love you. You did good. Itís not turning out right."
"I wanted the baby, Trace." He turned those sad green eyes on me and I hurt for him.
"I know you did, baby, I know you did." I was determined not to cry. He didnít need that. I wiped away a stray tear and sucked it up.
"Maybe this is what I get for marrying someone Iím not in love with, I lose the thing I wanted most. If Iíd wanted Jessica more the baby would have lived."
"Maybe if you would have stayed home today, maybe if Jessica would have stayed in bed since finding out. You canít do that. Youíll make yourself crazy. I donít think it works that way. If it does you got big points for taking responsibility for your behavior in the selfless way. So that idea falls through. It just was a thing that happened, a horrible thing. Now we all pick up the pieces and go on."
"What now? What do I do?"
"Too soon, Kevlyn. Donít try and figure it out tonight. Give yourself some time. You lost a baby tonight. You gotta grieve that. You have to do that with Jessica, then figure out the rest. Thereís no rush."
He hugged me, "Youíre right. Iím thinking about eight and weíre on two. Thank you."
"No problem. Why donít you go to bed and get some rest? You look beat. Iíll call in the morning."
He walked me to the door and went upstairs to be with his wife.
Let me know what you think!! Lisa