~*~Tracie~*~
I had an idea. I kept thinking about what had made things so good. We would party with everyone, but then we’d break off and party with just us. It had been a long time since we did that. Actually, since the party when Kevin told us he was getting married. That’s been like two months ago. I wonder why we drifted away from that? Oh yeah, Kevin actually got married. Then all that shit. But why not in the last month? We didn’t have secrets from each other then, either. And I wondered if when they weren’t on tour if there was a drifting apart. That would make sense. They weren’t living under each other anymore, makes sense to need some time apart. But this was too far apart. At least for me. It did wonders for Lee and I to get back to being kids, watching those stupid old movies. I wondered it the same might be true for all of us.
I had invitations hand delivered to them at the studio where they were doing final revisions to the video.
~*~Kevin~*~
Cute. Tracie is throwing us a welcome home party. At MY house. She has given us all "Super Secret Nicknames" that we must use to enter the party. I’m not allowed in my house until the party. I’m to go to her apartment and get ready. And we’re all to bring our favorite childhood game. We were issued a warning that if one of us chose to just bring "a bottle" that we should remember we would be kissing each other as well. She was ruining that one. We’re to be there at seven. Last one there has to eat paste. They think she’s kidding.
We all went out to FAO Schwartz and bought games.
On the plane trip home we had a meeting. There have been a few times over the years when we’ve done this, to clear the air. I started, I always started, "I think that being away was good. We always drift apart off tour, but this time has been different. A lot of things have happened. Hell, that’s mostly about me. And I’m sorry for not talking more about this. I can’t."
AJ jumped in, "It hasn’t been fun watching you do this, Kev. Drinking, getting stoned, fucking randomly. First you stayed away from anything female, then you over indulge. What’s going on?"
"I don’t know. I guess I’m trying to forget. I don’t want a relationship. Don’t want to trust. She destroyed that."
"It’s gonna eat you up until you deal with it. You need to talk to someone, hell, you’re not even talking to Tracie. You fucking tell Tracie everything."
I knew this was out of love, "I can’t. Not yet. Too soon."
AJ pulled me into a hug, "We worry. You’re not yourself."
"I know." I did know that. Trust had always been hard for me. I knew what real friendships and relationships were about before this. I thought I could trust Jessica. I was careful. I was wrong. More wrong that I had ever been in my entire life. I didn’t know how to deal with that, my part in the death of my own child.
I had lost myself in the work, and spent time not thinking about this. Keeping myself numb to it all. Now was time to stop that. Cut back on my excesses. Use other ways to cope. I knew that may mean talking, and facing what had happened.
~*~AJ~*~
Nick was the next on the list. We talked more about Pam, and her effect on him. "Nick, man, I know that you love her. But love shouldn’t be so hard. You do nothing wrong, and you think you do. She makes you think you do. You were fun again these last few weeks. You were just being Nick. Not the Nick you have to be to keep Pam happy. The should be the same, don’t you think."
Nick ran his fingers through his hair, "I had fun. It’s been awhile since I’ve had fun. I should be looking forward to seeing her, and I’m happy that Tracie has planned a party that she’s not invited too. We’re going to have to have a long talk."
I got the drinking to much lecture. I knew they were right too. I had gotten a little too out of control. It was almost a cycle with me.
Good thing about these sorts of talks with us. We had laid the ground rules long ago that anything said was said with respect and love. We all agreed to listen, and try to hear. We also had agreed to not get mad, but that didn’t always work.
~*~Nick~*~
I went on home to relax a little before the party. I was looking forward to the party. Yes, we’d been partying the last 2 weeks, but that was work partying. Partying with other artists and industry people, having to be on. It really sucks when you can’t even relax and be yourself at a party. Gotta work that baby. Tonight we could relax and have fun. I was bringing Twister and a little bottle of cooking oil!
Pam was waiting at the door. Naked. So far so good. We made love before saying anything to each other. We lay there quiet for a little while. "Nick, stay here. Don’t go to the party. You’ve been gone so long. Stay with me."
"Pam, we need this. We need to come back together. I can’t really explain it all. This is important for us. To me. We need this."
"What about me. About us. I need you." She was using the pouty voice. It wasn’t working though.
"This has nothing to do with you and I. We are fine as far as I’m concerned. Don’t do this, don’t make this an issue. I realize it’s my first night home, but you get me until six. That gives us time to be together, don’t ruin it, baby. I love you." I was begging.
"I’m not the one ruining anything. You’re the one leaving. You don’t want me anymore. Out in California you found someone else didn’t you? Prettier than me. I knew this would happen."
"Stop it! I did not. I don’t walk around looking for anyone. I have someone, and you’re all I need. All I want. Pam, you’re ruining this with all your suspicions and insecurities. Please, stop." I got up, "I’m getting ready and I’m leaving. You need to think about what you want, and what you’re willing to do. Decide if you’re going to trust me or not."
I took a shower, got dressed, and went over to Howie’s.
