Jessica slept the rest of the night. I laid awake. No particular thought stuck around just visions of what wouldnít be. Then Iíd kick myself for thinking like that. She wasnít that far along, and Iíd known about it for less than a month. It was stupid to get so fucking upset over something that wasnít ever really anything but a short lived idea. Call me stupid then. Iím not a twenty three year old anymore. I want a kid. I was looking forward to that little piece of me, and actually looking forward to the responsibility. Knowing that tiny person depended totally on me. Part of me felt like Iíd let him or her down. Maybe this was Godís way of telling me I didnít get that.

The next day I took her to the doctor to be checked out. She didnít want me to go back with her, and I respected that. This was hard enough. If she wanted some privacy with her body I was fine with that. I had questions, but they were really irrelevant. Nothing that she wouldnít ask. She came out and we left. She told me what we already knew, she had lost the baby. We were just to go home and let nature take itís course. I felt horrible for Jessica. The doctor had told her that some clots were normal, that is gross. I canít even imagine, and I donít want too. I want all this over.



We didnít know what to do. We went on with writing some shit without Kevin. Didnít get much done, we all felt like shit. Blew off right after lunch and went to the club to hang with Tracie. She had talked to him after they got back from the doctor. According to her he was alright. Sad, angry, and confused, but alright. We all agreed that the go home and lose the baby approach sucked. Nick was the one to ask if she would know when "it" was gone, would she see "it". This is horrible. I think itís horrible and Iím not going through it. I hope they block all that out. How do you deal with that?


I waited on her. Brought her anything she wanted, did what ever she wanted. Sometimes she wanted to be alone, sometimes she wanted me to hold her. I did some research on the Internet and was expecting the mood swings. She had some bad cramping that afternoon. I was ready with Advil and a heating pad. She seemed back to normal that evening. Denial, read that was normal too. There was some nausea, but nothing bad. We talked some then. She was looking at it as fate and could accept that. I could too, but I was still sad and angry. She was blocking all that. Or not talking to me about it. I didnít talk to her about my feelings either. I figured she was the most important thing, getting her through this. She was looking for the positives, "Now weíll get some couple time to be newlyweds." Somehow I didnít find that comforting.

Over the next few days things got back to normal. Jessica went back to work. I went back to work. We did normal things together, like nothing had happened. Except no sex for a few weeks.

The guys, Tracie, and Lee didnít know what to do, how to act. They all came over several days later. I had seen them and we had talked about it, but they hadnít seen Jess. They apologized and hugged her, but she just went on like nothing had happened.

I wasnít sure who was reacting normally, me or her. It was "over" for her, but I was still hurting. She was sleeping a lot and headed upstairs pretty early. We sat and kept talking. Decision was that both of us were normal. Different, but normal. It wasnít like I was overwhelmed with everything, but it wasnít nothing either. I was also trying to deal with what this meant for my marriage. I know that if she hadnít been pregnant I would have ended it with her. But I couldnít do that now. I wasnít a complete bastard. I honestly canít say I want to stay married to her. It hasnít been a nightmare or anything, but the reason I married her no longer exists. I will do nothing right now, of course, but when is the right time to leave your wife?

It was a week to the day when I was driving home and a call came in on my cell. I didnít recognize the number, "Mr. Richardson?"

"Yes." I didnít like the sound of this.

"This is Orlando Baptist Hospital. Your wife was brought in to our emergency room tonight."

"What happened? Is she ok?"

"I donít have any further information, youíll have to talk to the doctor."

I cursed as I hung up and headed to the hospital. The scare the shit out of you, but wonít tell you if theyíre even alive. Did she wreck her car, fall, what the hell? When I got there they told me she was in surgery and sent me up there. No one up there knew anything and sent me to sit, and wait.

Maybe thirty minutes late a doctor came out and called my name. We went into a small conference room and sat down. "She should be fine. She experienced some hemorrhaging and called the ambulance. That was the right thing to do. We did a D & C to remove any tissue that didnít pass." I shook my head, knowing that happened sometimes with miscarriages. I wasnít prepared for his next sentence, "This happens in about two percent of the women who use RU-486. One of the negatives, but very uncommon. She didnít lose a large amount of blood, but sheíll be tired. Weíll keep her until Wednesday morning and then she can go home, baring no complications. The bleeding and cramping should be mild and over in a few days."

I looked at him and bit my lip to keep my mouth from hanging open. I knew what RU-486 was. "Thank you. When can I see her?" I could feel my blood pressure rising.

"We just used a local. She should be back in her room by now. Sheís on the tenth floor."

I took the stairs two at a time. My mind was going a mile a minute. I got her room from the nurse and stopped to take a deep breath before going in. I closed her door behind me. Private room, good. I walked to the edge of the bed and sat down, "Jessica, what happened?"

"I started bleeding worse and got scared. They said that sometimes happens after a miscarriage. It doesnít get all the way done."

LIE! I had to see if she would lie again, straight to my face. She did. I put my hands on either side of her body and leaned in like I was going to kiss her. I stopped and stared into her eyes, "You lying bitch!"


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