Time in LA was busy.  We did long hours everyday.  I don’t think that people always realize that down time isn’t really down time.  They see us going out to dinner with friends.  Not always are those friends “just friends”, they’re usually work friends too and talk goes back to work.  Especially right now while we’re still in that creative process.  I’ll be relaxing or even asleep and an idea will come to me.  Next thing I know I’m up at three a.m. putting something down on paper or recording something.  This is my favorite part.  Even when we start recording I love to be involved in it all.  Listening to the other guys, seeing the production come together.  When I look back it still amazes me how the little melody that floated through my head wound up being a song on the album.  I created it out of nothing.  Nothing.  Little sleep and lots of coffee. 

            Little time to talk to Tracie.  I miss her most in the mornings, and at night.  I’ll wake up and feel this tug.  I reach to pick up the phone and remember there is a three hour time difference and it’s only three or four in the morning for her.  During the day I don’t think about her unless someone asks me about her.  Or someone mentions anything that reminds me of her.  Usually we’re pretty focused and I’m thinking music.  Most of the night’s we’re out blowing off steam if we’re not working.  This is the time I’m thankful for the time difference.  I can land back at the hotel in the wee small hours and be pretty safe calling home.  Only problem then is that I’m either drunk, stoned, or so tired I don’t always make a lot of sense.  She just laughs at me and plays along with where ever I’m going.  Sometimes I ramble on about what we got done, sometimes I bitch about not getting my way (imagine that),  and sometimes I want some phone sex.  Then there are the times I just want to listen to her breathe.



            Kevin has called more often than any other time when he’s been away.  I’m not complaining.  Our conversations are hilarious.  Sometimes he makes no sense.  He’ll jump from topic to another, or maybe he’s falling asleep and loosing his place.  I don’t care.  I do miss him, but it’s not too bad.  One of things that worried me was that one or both of us would change and time and distance would become an issue.  As friends we did separation well.  We’d talk, tell each other we missed the other and couldn’t wait to see each other, but we never got maudlin about it.  I’m happy to report that is still the case.  I don’t feel some big empty hole with him not here.  I do prefer him home though.  If I got a choice, but I don’t.  I guess there’s no reason to waste the time we do get to talk with talking about something we can’t do anything about.  I told him to call when he wakes up, I’m ok with him waking me up.  He won’t do it.  Says one of us should get some sleep and he knows it’s not him.  The nights when I talk dirty to him while he jacks off are damn good, takes about 2 minutes. 

            I go to work, hang out with Lee, surf the internet for rumors, or sit and read in bed.  His bed.  I don’t want to go to my place.  I like it here with his stuff.



            I talk to Lee a couple times a day.  Most of the time it’s a one minute, “Hey, just thinking about you, gotta go, Kevin’s glaring” phone call.  I like to hear her voice.  Oh, I throw in an “I love you” just for good measure.  I want to go home.  I’m sleepy, and tired, and I want to sleep in my own bed (or Lee’s), and I want to make love with her.  Not over the phone.  Although that’s not too bad.  Her hand is softer than mine.



            Nick cracks me up.  He calls my cell and talks for thrity seconds and hangs up.  I’ve kept all the voice mail messages he’s left when I couldn’t answer.  I listen to them sometimes at night when I miss him.  I want him home. 

            Tracie and I spent a lot of time together while they were away.  It wasn’t about Kevin and Nick, although they did come up in the conversation.  We hung out as friends, independent of them.  I asked her one night how she felt things were going, how she was doing.  She told me that she thought things were great, they were doing good handling things.  She didn’t get that weird friend vs. lover thing as often.  Still happened, but both of them were doing good not thinking things to death.  She told me about the conversation before he left.  Good for her.  I don’t pretend to know him all that well, but one thing I know is that he needs a woman who won’t put up with his shit.  I define “his shit” as his ego, and how he wants to be completely in control.  His wanting her to tell him what she wanted him to do, was both ego and control.  I don’t think it’s malicious, it’s just Kevin.  It fits perfectly with her ego, and her need to be in complete control.  She’s not about to tell him what he should do, but would rip his balls off he made a wrong move.  They are both manipulative and self serving.  Good thing they both want each other so bad, that it’s self serving to make the other happy.  See, a match made in heaven!

            I won’t be analyzing Nick and I like that.  He is the most wonderful man.  He just does what feels good.  No fear.  Like popping out with “I love you” so quick.  I’ve been watching and I think he would rather deal with the consequences than hold in some impulse.  I thought something like that would drive me insane, but I love being part of it.  I think I’ll keep him.

            Three days before he gets home and I am so excited when he calls that I immediately vomit.  I didn’t stop for two more days.  Tracie showed up at my place with food recommended by Kevin’s mother.  And a pregnancy test.  “Lee, honey, you said the first time you guys were a little too impulsive.  That was four, five weeks ago.”

            I just shook my head, “Oh, come on.  People try for months to get pregnant and you think that one . . . ok three little sex acts in one night and I’m gonna wind up pregnant.  Get real.  That only happens to teenagers.”

            She just laughed at me, “Humor me.  You know I’ll just nag you until you do it anyway, save us both the hassle.”

            I ripped the box from her hand, “Fine.  I’ll go piss on your god damn stick.”  I came out of the bathroom, “You’ve been hanging around that Kevin guy too much, you’re getting his personality.  Bossy and naggy.”

            “Hey, now, I love that bossy naggy perfectionist.”  In five minutes she yelled, “Ding ding ding.  Times up.”

            I went into the bathroom feeling pretty good about proving her wrong.  I came out holding the stick, “Hi, I’m Lee.  I am apparently a teenage girl.  A pregnant teenage girl.  Nick is going to explode.”

            “Happy?”  I could see her holding back.

            “Oh yeah, he’s gonna be way happy.”

            “Are you happy?”

            I thought for a second, “I’m in shock.  Yeah, Trace, I’m happy.  Oh my god I’m gonna have a baby.  Nick’s baby.”

            She let out this incredibly loud “Woo Hoo!” and hugged me.  I pushed away and threw up.  “At least you know why you’re barfing now.”



            The day finally came to go home.  I was putting off something.  Kept telling myself it wasn’t the right time.  Then we were on the plane.  I got the guys together, “I need to tell you guys what happened with Jessica.”  I spilled it all, up to and including how Tracie came to know. 

            Nick was the first to say anything, “I’m sorry.  God, Kevin.  I thought Pam was a nut.  Shit!”

            The others said basically the same thing.  I forgot how good it felt to have support.  They didn’t judge, and they didn’t back out.  They listened.  I really needed that.  AJ had been the one to hug me, and that got me crying, “Why in the hell didn’t you tell us this earlier?”

            I couldn’t look at them, “Feel stupid.  All of you tried to talk me out of it, more or less.  And I still can’t quite reconcile the relief that I’m out of that marriage, with wanting my damn kid.”

            Nick, the new and improved adult version, spoke, “Don’t do that to yourself, Kevin.  Remember what you told me.  Do everything to make it work then let it go.  You did the right thing.  She’s a fucking bitch.  But if all that wouldn’t have happened you wouldn’t have done all the shit you did that ended up with you and Tracie getting together.  The road sucked, but you got home.”

            We all stared at him.  He was right.



            I ran up the drive and into the house, “Honey, I’m home!”

            Lee came through the kitchen door, “Honey, I’m pregnant!”


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Let me know what you think!!   Lisa